Life and Death
I’ve been spending a lot of time alone thinking lately. Usually, the only time I get to do this is in the shower, but I’ve been making time to do it out on the streets. I met a friend for lunch today and intended to come home afterward, but one turn led to another and before I knew it I was eating, thinking, taking random photos and watching a movie alone. This is the second day in a row this has happened and I must admit it was like going to a spa. A brain spa.
My business partner once told me that he could never date me because I’m always in my head and rarely in my body. This was definitely the case before I started Zivity. I’ve been out of touch with my physical body most of my life. It served little purpose to me other than getting in the way most of the time.
If you asked me what my perfect day was a few years ago, I would have told you a cup of coffee and an amazing conversation. Nothing makes me feel more connected than sharing ideas.
However, something in me changed when I saw the first picture of myself that took my breath away. I’ve always admired beauty and I’ve always loved the art of the human body, but I never thought of myself in that context. It was not due to low self-esteem or anything like that, because I knew I must look good as I attracted plenty of people. I just never cared. I didn’t look in the mirror and think I looked bad or good. I was however really into self-expression through clothing. I’ve always enjoyed fabrics, colors and textures and I’m kind of like a peacock in that way. I like to express my mood and how I feel through my clothing. I’ve always treasured costumes for this reason. If I had my way, it would be costume day every day, because I think that’s what clothes are. Even business suits are costumes for roles we play.
Anyhow, now I’m more connected to this body of mine and my only regret is that I didn’t figure this out sooner. This body is my life. It is not just my brain. There’s a lot more to it and being connected to my body made me more connected to myself.
So, over the past few days I’ve seen two movies about life and death. Notorious (as in BIG) wasn’t particularly good, but it got me thinking about how valuable and precious life is. How these bodies of ours are like burning houses going down in flames and every day that goes by is a day closer to death. Benjamin Button really drove that home for me.
There was a lot of religion in both of these movies. Religion softens death for most people and I understand why people want to believe in it, because it gives you hope that there’s more to life and more of it. It is honorable to want that. Heck, athiests and believers share that in common. I want to live longer too. I absolutely love living.
What I walked away from with this movie is that I think I want to live more than most religious people I know. I don’t have anything to soften my death or those of whom I love. Sometimes I lose sight of this, but really I shouldn’t, because when you do, you put aside those things you really want to do with your one life.
It also got me thinking about God and if there was ever a moment in my life that I believed in God and the answer is no. I never believed in God for one moment. However, I did believe in Santa Claus. Finding out that Santa Claus wasn’t real broke my heart and I never trusted things I couldn’t see or prove again. There was one moment in my life where my heart suffered so greatly that I wished there was a God. I wished I could pray and make the suffering go away. I wished I could find comfort, but the only comfort I had was the passing of time.
Anyhow, what great message do I have after all of this thinking and my time alone?
Do what you want with your life. Been thinking of writing a book? Going on a trip? Starting a company? Cooking some brownies? Learning how to sew? Do it. Figure out how important it is on a scale and do what is most important to you. Nothing matters more.
Right now I really wanted to write this blog entry. Normally I would talk myself out of it with tiredness or whatever, but I sat and rated how important it really was to me and it was the first thing I did when I got home.
There’s no time like now, because now is passing.
